It should be an essential part of sex, but for whatever reason, people think that it can ruin the moment. I am, of course, talking about consent. People believing that asking for it can spoil the spontaneity, and that there is no way to ask without it being awkward.
Those people are wrong.
Consenting is sexy. If you feel like asking for it is ruining your fun then you simply aren’t asking in the right way, or you are viewing consent in a different way. I’m here to tell you that it is sexy to ask for it, and I’ve even got some suggestions on how to ask.
Consent is essential
There are no ifs or buts about it as far as I’m concerned. If you don’t get consent, you don’t get to have sex or perform that act you’re hoping to enjoy. It’s that simple. Consenting should be an essential part of sex, but it isn’t.
Many feel that it can ruin the spontaneity. They feel that asking is awkward, so they don’t ask. They think that “no meaning no” is enough. But not everyone feels comfortable and safe saying no, so instead we need to seek consent to be sure that our fun is going to stay fun.
Personally, I’m a big fan of enthusiastic consent during sex. As Ellen Scott tells us on the Metro: “consent for sex needs to be enthusiastic, stated clearly, happily, and without any pressure to do so”. It can also be withdrawn at any time if someone decides that they don’t want to continue.
Someone saying “fuck yes, I want to have sex with you right now” should be a huge turn on. Yet people feel that asking if the other person is consenting spoils the moment. It doesn’t, but if asking feel awkward, why not try these alternatives?
Ways to ask for consent:
There are so many different ways that you can ask for consent. It doesn’t just have to be “do I have your consent?”. You do not need to make it feel like you are doing it just to tick a box. Make it that you want to hear it because hearing it turns you on as much as it does you asking for it.
“I’d love to _____ you right now. Can I?”
This is perfect for anyone unsure of just what they are supposed to say. You can put whatever you like in the gap. Kiss, touch, lick, fuck, spank. Most things will work! You’ll also be making it clear to your partner just what you want to do before you ask for permission. If they need clarity they can ask, otherwise they can say yes or no.
“How would you feel about doing/trying _____?”
Questions like this work particularly well because it opens it up to discussion. It’s great if you are touching on a new topic, as many might say “I don’t know enough about it” or “I’d have to do more research”. It gives yours partner the chance to say “I’m not interested” and be heard. They could also say “I’d love to try that”.
“Does this feel good to you?”
When you are enjoying the act, it is still important to check in with your partner. Asking them if something feels good is a great way of checking they are consenting without ruining the moment. If they say no, you can then ask what would feel better instead.
“What would turn you on right now?”
With consenting, it doesn’t just have to be about waiting for that yes. You can also allow your partner to guide the session. Try asking them what would turn them on. When you get the answer, say something like “I’d love to do that with you” just to confirm. Most people will say something that they want you to do to them at that moment in time, but it is better to check anyway!
Other options and why it’s important
There are so many different ways that you can ask for consent. One of my favourite resources comes from @Girly_Juice, who offers up 50 hot ways to ask for consent. So if nothing above ticks the boxes, check out her suggestions.
You can also try the video below from What’s My Body Doing as she demonstrates some of the ways you can ask. It’s less than two minutes long and offers 20 options. Worth it? Absolutely!
We already know that the UK has questionable attitudes to consent. It is time that we change that. By making the act of asking as normal to us as brushing our teeth in the morning, we are going to change those attitudes. It also makes sex a hell of a lot better.
Why is asking a turn on?
When I’m asked if I am consenting, I usually give an enthusiastic “yes” in some form or another… often with the word “fuck” thrown in front of it for good measure. You know, in case it wasn’t clear enough to my partner that I really want to do whatever it is they are suggesting we do together.
But here’s something else you might not have realised. Being asked for consent is a turn on. I can’t think of a single time when it has ruined the moment. It just shows me that my partner is thinking of me and wants to make sure that I am interested and excited about the things we will do together. What could be bad about that?
I love giving it, but asking if someone is consenting is a turn on. It’s an important part of sex that we need to make sure we do. So why not share the different ways you ask for it in the comments below?
Since then she has gained a fine reputation with her blogs on sex advice, sexual health and amusing news stories from around the globe. She is also a campaigner for the rights of sex workers from all over the world.
In her spare time, Lara keeps herself active by going running, and is something of a film buff. She also loves to go travelling.
Latest posts by Lara Mills (see all)